Category Archives: Love Corner

5 of the wrong reasons to get married

Posted on by under Love Corner, Uncategorized

First of all I support marriage but we have all heard of reasons people want to get married or worse get married and they end up unhappy or divorced. Much of this can probably go unsaid but some people need to know you shouldn’t get married because

1. You aren’t getting any younger 

Age is irrelevant. Some people think of their age and really get frantic even at the thought of not being married by a certain age. What I’ll say to that is stop planning what God has already covered for you. Trust the process. Believe that God is shaping a spouse perfect for you and your needs. When we allow our minds to start planning then that’s when irrational decisions are made.

2. You have kids together 

I know it’s important to have a family unit and have kids grow up in a two parent household. But it needs to be a healthy family unit or you will” F “those kids up. No one should be in an unhealthy relationship especially kids.

It’s very possible to co-parent. You need emotional health and sanity to raise children and if that means not being in a relationship with their father or mother then co-parent the best way possible. Cut the pettiness and be the best parents you are humanly capable of being.

3. You’ve been dating for many  years

So what! So you’ve dated 10 years and what? It doesn’t take that long to know if he or she is the one. So if you are still sorting out major  problems, I say really re-evaluate your situation and stop wasting your time.The last thing you want is to marry and then divorce. So don’t let the number of years you are dating be a leading factor in why you marry that person.

3. Everyone else is engaged or married 

Again so what. It’s easy getting married. The work comes with staying married. The last reason you want to get married is because of everyone else. When I married I had maybe a handful of peers I knew that were married.  I didn’t have a lot of examples of marriage so I definitely didn’t marry because I saw others doing it.  You want to marry for the right reasons and not because it feels like the thing you should be doing. On Tia Mowry’s podcast she said if you got married thinking marriage is easy you are in for a rude awakening. Now that’s not to scare anyone but it holds some truth. Marriage is beautiful but it takes work. So marry for the right reason and not because of social pressure.

5. Financial reasons 

That’s really a bad reason to marry. We see the stories all the time when someone marries for money and those marriages don’t last. Marriage is glorifying to God and I’m pretty sure marrying someone for money or for what they can do for you financially is not the plan. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11 Now don’t go marrying someone who can’t even take care of them self…

If you or someone you know has the desire to get married but is looking at all the wrong reasons remind them that God has plans for them. Don’t settle and be patient.  It is so easy to get caught into the pressure of either your age, your social media news-feed, or the family members asking you when are you next. But keep the faith  and don’t find yourself getting married for all of the wrong reasons.

XOXO

Risa

Small things change-what they don’t tell you when you become a parent

Posted on by under Love Corner, Mommy corner

Life changes!

Of course it does and it’s small things in our everyday lives that change, that no one really prepares you for. This is the beauty of our journey as parents. Here is a list that both my husband and I encounter but never thought about before and no one really explained the phrase” From here on out life changes”.

No complaints just a list.

  1. Running an errand. Going into a corner store, or just to pick up the prescription at walgreens (if the drive thru is closed) are no longer a simple, quick trip. Trips to the store require planning and a bit of a field trip because I need the stroller, baby carrier, basket or chair cover, or just the right mindset that we are unstrapping the baby, going in the store, and doing what used to be 5 minutes, now is 20 minutes…
  2. Eating dinner in peace. Lol I love dinner time for us but either I have a greedy baby who can smell your food and the fact that it is different from what is on her plate 3 rooms away or all babies love to explore with food and get all in your face when eating dinner. We came up with how to make her think she is eating what we eat and even in a high chair she knows the difference. It is not as simple as it used to be but this is temporary.
  3. Intimacy, Sex, Getting it in…whatever you want to call it. We have to get creative, be flexible, and be spontaneous because your time pre-baby is no longer your time post-baby. Your time is the babies time and you must consciously make time. Early mornings are your friend 😉
  4. Grooming your self. This goes back to your time is now the babies time. I have natural hair. While the misconception is that it is easier to style I seriously beg to differ and I know many will agree. It takes time to style my hair so when I am doing a flexi-rod set she is tossing the rods out of the container. If I am braiding my hair for a braid out, she is climbing on my arms, pulling and exploring in my tresses. It’s not a simple task. No complaints, just my reality. Life Changes.
  5. Dates with your spouse. We are daters. We firmly believe in dating each other and keeping that interest. But the truth is, movie release nights are usually no longer the nights we get to see the movie. Why? you ask. Well simply put, we have less than a handful of baby sitters. I trust my mom, in laws, and my sister. My mom and mom in-laws care for our baby during the week. So the weekends I feel a little guilty about asking, though we do get some away time it isn’t for long periods of time. Additionally the baby can be moody with her aunt (my sis) so who I planned to be my weekend babysitter, MJ isn’t having it, just yet 🙂

I thoroghly enjoy motherhood though, and I know that this is just a season.

What has changed for you?

Amicable Differences

Posted on by under Love Corner

You can agree to differ. There can be peace.

Let’s face it, we are different people. Throughout the course of a relationship you will encounter differences and we must be open to that. The trouble many relationships fall into is that they don’t think they should differ on some things and we naturally become defensive if someone doesn’t agree with us. Unlearn that really bad behavior and learn to have less fights, but healthy debates, that often time leads to appreciating the difference in others and agreeing to disagree.

  1. When people get into arguments, they go into the exchange trying to prove a point and wanting to convince the other of their point. First stop there. Don’t convince but voice your stance and why. As a spouse we have to be comfortable with someone not seeing our perception all the time. What’s most important is that they respect you and your viewpoint enough to make adjustments if needed.
  2.  Attack the problem not the person. Solve the problem not the person. Another communication technique that has worked for us. If you have to go as simple as writing on a piece of paper the problem. and when speaking with your spouse refer to the problem on the paper. That will drive the words you choose and steer the conversation away from the person feeling attacked and focus more on the problem. A little passive aggressive but it works.
  3. Focus and pick your topics. People try to bottle up issues or sweep things under the rug and when they hit their boiling point they unleash a laundry list of problems. First of all that’s not healthy for you and secondly that compounds a situation. Choose your issue, seek a resolution before dropping so much on a person. Stick to 1 or 2 topics at 1 time.
  4. Lastly, quit forcing an issue. When a relationship is meant to be and you rely on God he will help you work through matters, period. When their is chemistry, and true love, things just work.  But when you do face differences and you will you have to be okay with not forcing someone to see your way. You have to sometimes agree to disagree on the point and hope to meet a compromise that serves both of your needs.

Some people argue over some petty stuff and many times it is miscommunication. If you are unequally yoked and you disagree on fundamental guiding principles then that is  a different situation. But save yourself the stress and practice disagreeing in a respectful and amicable way.

 

Common Relationship Mistakes

Posted on by under Love Corner

loveyourself

 

Let’s talk relationships and the all too common mistakes made.

Some people find themselves heart broken from a failed relationship.  It didn’t work out for one reason or another. There are common mistakes I have noticed and I want to share a few here….

Common mistake 1: Falling in love with love

Stop the cycle of falling in love with the idea of love. Plucking someone out of the crowd that you barely get to know and hoping so badly that he or she is the one. People fall in love with the idea of love or the thoughts of how they want their relationship to be.

Don’t waste a year in a relationship with someone when it is clear that it is not working but you are so in love with the thought of love that you can’t move on. Love isn’t painful. It just isn’t.

If you are single, commit to yourself that you will not waste another day of your life hoping and wanting a relationship to be what it is not. Fall out of love with your fantasy, see your reality, and love yourself enough to make some changes. If you are married I encourage you and your spouse to seek counseling.

Common mistake 2: Confusing sex for commitment

Don’t confuse sex with commitment. They are different, be aware enough to know that sex can confuse your emotions but that’s only for a period of time. Be aware that sex is an act for many people and is not an exchange of love, passion, and commitment. Sex is not commitment! Understand that you are choosing to give someone a piece of you that’s so personal but you can not expect commitment in return. Well you can but that requires you to abstain until commitment and that is another post.

Common mistake 3: Not loving yourself

What type of partner are you? What makes you head over heels? What pisses you off to no end? What do you need daily from your better half? I mean questions go on and on but if you don’t know and love yourself how can someone get to know and love you. Let’s be clear, it is a process, we are growing every day but it’s simple things that you should know and love about yourself before you expect that of someone else. People are not mind readers which leads me to this….

common mistake 4: Being a poor communicator

and are afraid to just speak up. Put it out there. He can’t read your mind. Tell his ass what you don’t like. example: baby when I call you, I don’t really like that you answer the phone while you are in the middle of a transaction at the store and so I’m competing with you talking to the cashier, me, and outside noise. Period. Simple… he may be like this girl is crazy but at least he knows that okay her expectation is to answer, say hold on just a second, and continue… ha ha… if you can’t tell that girl is me. I’m a little crazy but you have to set your expectations.

Also stop misinterpreting shit. When we took our pre-marital counseling we were introduced to a technique that really helped our communication in the relationship. It’s basically a clarification style that forces you to  repeat what you understand their statement to mean.

Let your partner speak, summarize and repeat what you understand that to mean. ” I want to make sure I understand you”…repeat what you heard.

You might have to try it a couple of times for one statement just to get to the right understanding. It’s real easy to misunderstand what people say or their intent.

Example:  “I want to have a family one day but I’m not sure when”.

you repeat: ” Just to be clear, you do want a family but you’re not saying you want one now and you are not sure when.”

You might have to do that a few times to get a clearer picture on what you just heard.

If you know that you want a family now, you are 35, and you don’t want to waste any more time. You have a decision to make, you gamble with not starting a family soon and staying in the relationship, or you bounce because there are too many what-ifs. But first you need to know. Being caught in the cycle of mis-understandings is not helpful.

common mistake 5: Confusing dating with a relationship

Dating is just that. You set some dates to meet for lunch, movie, golf, etc. There is nothing exclusive and for all you know he or she does this same thing with somebody else earlier in the week. This can go on for as long as you allow it. Take it for what it is, dating is not a relationship and any person that wants to run from labels is bull-shit and wasting your time. Date with a purpose…exclusive relationship.

Be in a relationship with a purpose…marriage. If you disagree, you are probably reading the wrong blog.

Easiest way to know where you stand…when you are around others how are you introduced? If you’re cool with the response then there you have it. If it’s a gray area then start working on that communication exercise.

common mistake 6: Trying to change someone

You simply can’t change a person, they have to want to change for themselves and on their own. You can maybe suggest some things. Show support but you simply can’t change a person. Time waits for no one. People have imperfections, you have imperfections and so you have to know what you gamble your heart with and what you don’t. That goes back to loving and knowing yourself. Furthermore if they are trying to change the worst thing you can do is the next mistake

common mistake 7: Bringing up the past

The last thing someone wants to hear and repeat is the past. When someone is trying to change the worst thing you can do is bring up the faulty past. If their actions are showing change and progress. Leave the past in the memory and try not to bring it up when it simply isn’t necessary. Now sometimes we need to recall the past as reminder of where we don’t want to be but stick to the rule that the past is the past. Also define what the past is 😉

common mistake 8: Listening to words and not actions

A person can tell you time and time again what they will do or what they want to do but until they actually do it then it’s just talk. Go back to mistake 1. People fall in love what the idea of love…people fall in love with someone’s words and overlook their actions.

common mistake 9: Ignoring major differences

You don’t share the same fundamental values?…bounce. period. Knowing and loving yourself allows you to navigate this area confidently while being unapologetic about it. Religion, finance, parenting, family, household priorities are important. You need to know and agree on some serious issues if you are spending a lifetime with this person. Don’t ignore major differences. Love yourself.

common mistake 10: Thinking that relationships are error free

You will have mistakes, miscommunication, and just uncomfortable situations arise but together you both have to care enough to clarify misunderstandings, forgive, and make necessary adjustments. Every time there is a difference you shouldn’t think oh my God we are breaking up. Chill. It’s a misunderstanding, attempt to work it out. Unless it is drastic, it has broken a boundary or exclusive relationship expectation then you shouldn’t jump straight to being heartbroken that you may be breaking up because he/or she misunderstood what you said.

I can spin each one of these off into more detail. Relationships are an art and science and will have challenging moments. I encourage you to love yourself, get to know yourself and do the same with the person you are in a relationship with.

What would you add to the list?

Like what you read, like my post, share my blog, and return for my post coming soon titled “Amicable Disagreements”.