Let’s talk relationships and the all too common mistakes made.

Some people find themselves heart broken from a failed relationship.  It didn’t work out for one reason or another. There are common mistakes I have noticed and I want to share a few here….

Common mistake 1: Falling in love with love

Stop the cycle of falling in love with the idea of love. Plucking someone out of the crowd that you barely get to know and hoping so badly that he or she is the one. People fall in love with the idea of love or the thoughts of how they want their relationship to be.

Don’t waste a year in a relationship with someone when it is clear that it is not working but you are so in love with the thought of love that you can’t move on. Love isn’t painful. It just isn’t.

If you are single, commit to yourself that you will not waste another day of your life hoping and wanting a relationship to be what it is not. Fall out of love with your fantasy, see your reality, and love yourself enough to make some changes. If you are married I encourage you and your spouse to seek counseling.

Common mistake 2: Confusing sex for commitment

Don’t confuse sex with commitment. They are different, be aware enough to know that sex can confuse your emotions but that’s only for a period of time. Be aware that sex is an act for many people and is not an exchange of love, passion, and commitment. Sex is not commitment! Understand that you are choosing to give someone a piece of you that’s so personal but you can not expect commitment in return. Well you can but that requires you to abstain until commitment and that is another post.

Common mistake 3: Not loving yourself

What type of partner are you? What makes you head over heels? What pisses you off to no end? What do you need daily from your better half? I mean questions go on and on but if you don’t know and love yourself how can someone get to know and love you. Let’s be clear, it is a process, we are growing every day but it’s simple things that you should know and love about yourself before you expect that of someone else. People are not mind readers which leads me to this….

common mistake 4: Being a poor communicator

and are afraid to just speak up. Put it out there. He can’t read your mind. Tell his ass what you don’t like. example: baby when I call you, I don’t really like that you answer the phone while you are in the middle of a transaction at the store and so I’m competing with you talking to the cashier, me, and outside noise. Period. Simple… he may be like this girl is crazy but at least he knows that okay her expectation is to answer, say hold on just a second, and continue… ha ha… if you can’t tell that girl is me. I’m a little crazy but you have to set your expectations.

Also stop misinterpreting shit. When we took our pre-marital counseling we were introduced to a technique that really helped our communication in the relationship. It’s basically a clarification style that forces you to  repeat what you understand their statement to mean.

Let your partner speak, summarize and repeat what you understand that to mean. ” I want to make sure I understand you”…repeat what you heard.

You might have to try it a couple of times for one statement just to get to the right understanding. It’s real easy to misunderstand what people say or their intent.

Example:  “I want to have a family one day but I’m not sure when”.

you repeat: ” Just to be clear, you do want a family but you’re not saying you want one now and you are not sure when.”

You might have to do that a few times to get a clearer picture on what you just heard.

If you know that you want a family now, you are 35, and you don’t want to waste any more time. You have a decision to make, you gamble with not starting a family soon and staying in the relationship, or you bounce because there are too many what-ifs. But first you need to know. Being caught in the cycle of mis-understandings is not helpful.

common mistake 5: Confusing dating with a relationship

Dating is just that. You set some dates to meet for lunch, movie, golf, etc. There is nothing exclusive and for all you know he or she does this same thing with somebody else earlier in the week. This can go on for as long as you allow it. Take it for what it is, dating is not a relationship and any person that wants to run from labels is bull-shit and wasting your time. Date with a purpose…exclusive relationship.

Be in a relationship with a purpose…marriage. If you disagree, you are probably reading the wrong blog.

Easiest way to know where you stand…when you are around others how are you introduced? If you’re cool with the response then there you have it. If it’s a gray area then start working on that communication exercise.

common mistake 6: Trying to change someone

You simply can’t change a person, they have to want to change for themselves and on their own. You can maybe suggest some things. Show support but you simply can’t change a person. Time waits for no one. People have imperfections, you have imperfections and so you have to know what you gamble your heart with and what you don’t. That goes back to loving and knowing yourself. Furthermore if they are trying to change the worst thing you can do is the next mistake

common mistake 7: Bringing up the past

The last thing someone wants to hear and repeat is the past. When someone is trying to change the worst thing you can do is bring up the faulty past. If their actions are showing change and progress. Leave the past in the memory and try not to bring it up when it simply isn’t necessary. Now sometimes we need to recall the past as reminder of where we don’t want to be but stick to the rule that the past is the past. Also define what the past is 😉

common mistake 8: Listening to words and not actions

A person can tell you time and time again what they will do or what they want to do but until they actually do it then it’s just talk. Go back to mistake 1. People fall in love what the idea of love…people fall in love with someone’s words and overlook their actions.

common mistake 9: Ignoring major differences

You don’t share the same fundamental values?…bounce. period. Knowing and loving yourself allows you to navigate this area confidently while being unapologetic about it. Religion, finance, parenting, family, household priorities are important. You need to know and agree on some serious issues if you are spending a lifetime with this person. Don’t ignore major differences. Love yourself.

common mistake 10: Thinking that relationships are error free

You will have mistakes, miscommunication, and just uncomfortable situations arise but together you both have to care enough to clarify misunderstandings, forgive, and make necessary adjustments. Every time there is a difference you shouldn’t think oh my God we are breaking up. Chill. It’s a misunderstanding, attempt to work it out. Unless it is drastic, it has broken a boundary or exclusive relationship expectation then you shouldn’t jump straight to being heartbroken that you may be breaking up because he/or she misunderstood what you said.

I can spin each one of these off into more detail. Relationships are an art and science and will have challenging moments. I encourage you to love yourself, get to know yourself and do the same with the person you are in a relationship with.

What would you add to the list?

Like what you read, like my post, share my blog, and return for my post coming soon titled “Amicable Disagreements”.